theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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