my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
