I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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