he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
