i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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