shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it's like iHOP with fire
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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