toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Someone shit on the floor
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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