I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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