i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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