Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
