Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my liver is dry heaving
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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