You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
