it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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