You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
