Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
