remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
