My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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