dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
