Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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