dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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