ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You're a waste of cheezeits
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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