Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
