My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
