I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
