We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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