FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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