I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
