if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
