I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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