he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
