i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
