I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
