Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
