This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
