My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
