Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
