I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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