12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
