I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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