dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
