i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
