you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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