Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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