If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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