now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
