i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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