hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Help. Why am I so naked?
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