I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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