Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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