Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
